Strange Sex World: The Ugly Mask

I am ugly. So ugly that every time I look in the mirror I get terrified.

When I have Sex with my girlfriend I wear a mask so she can't see my horrid face. It is one of those leather black masks that you can find in a Web Adult Toy Store.

One day she came home carrying another mask that resembed a human face. Very ugly face!
I have never seen anything uglier than that.

"It's for you", she said. "For me? Why on earth would I want to wear that thing?", I complained, "this is uglier than me!". "That is the idea", she continued, "you put it on a few hours before we have Sex -don't worry I can handle it- and when we go to bed you take it off. Your real face looks better and I believe you are handsome".

That same night I tried it. When we went to the bedroom and I removed the mask my face was full of redish spots. The plastic had irritated my skin. I visited many doctors but the answer always the same: "Sorry but you have to leave with them. They will not go away".

My girlfriend left me and even pros wouldn't sleep with me anymore. Now when I go out I wear that old black mask so people don't get scared.

- Shall I enter the contest for the ugliest man on earth, mum?
- Stay away from me monster! Get out of my sight!

MORAL
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The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward (irrelevant but good!)

Adult Toys for ... Mature Men

You weak up one morning and you are horny. You have never been so horny before in your life. So what can you do now?

You get up and go for a cold shower. It doesn’t help. You brush your teeth (irrelevant but necessary) and get back to your bedroom. “I shouldn’t have broken up with Jessica”, you think to yourself, “at least not now”.

You reach for those forgotten Adult Toys somewhere at the back of your wardrobe. Where are they? They should be there covered by old and dirty underwear. You know because you put them yourself. “Shit! She’s taken everything with her!”

But hold on! You have found something! Bring it out! Hey, what do you reckon? It is that artificial vagina that your older brother gave you at your birthday a few years ago.

You try it but you don’t like it anymore! It’s not even wet.

Then you decide to get dressed and walk out the door. Geez, that erection makes zipping your trousers impossible! Try again…! OK, you’ve made it.

The street is wet and empty. Only an old male cat is sauntering around. You catch the bus to nowhere.

Half an hour later you are back and angry. You have done nothing at all.
What’s wrong with you people? Pros wouldn’t sleep with you! The Adult Toy Store owner didn’t let you in and the beggar across the road was pointing at you laughing... What for?

You slammed the door behind you heading to the kitchen for a cup of hot coffee.
Even that broken mirror is smiling at you ironically. You go closer and have a look inside. What the f…, you shout!

- Who the hell is that old bastard?
- It is you mate! It is you!
- It can’t be…
- Come on! Don’t pretend that you don’t know! You have just turned 112.
- 112? Is that why Jessica left me?
- Jessica didn’t leave you! She died three years ago at the age of 97!
- And the hard-on I have? What is it? An illusion?
- No! That is true! Unfortunately!
- Why is that unfortunate?
- Because even if you show it to people they will not believe you!
You don’t believe it either.
- What shall I do wise mirror? Use my Sex Toy?
- Have a couple of drinks and go to sleep. Tomorrow morning (if you weak up)
you will feel again like an ordinary old man just a few steps from the grave!